I posted a shorter and much less whinny version of this on LinkedIn today – But I still need to get this off my chest (and no, this has nothing to do with my writing projects) so here’s the long version!
Every day, I get on LinkedIn, Glassdoor, or Indeed and find positions I’m qualified for. I apply, then… nothing. The resume and cover letter I just spent a couple of hours working on falls into the black hole of careers. (The primary property of a black hole is that information goes in, but none ever comes out; okay, there’s a little bit, but it isn’t anything like what gets sucked in!).
Sometimes, I’ll spot someone I know on LinkedIn who works where I’m applying. I’ll reach out, and they’ll say, “Hi! Yeah, I know that hiring manager.” There’s some back and forth for a little bit, but then it tapers off into nothing. The longer I go unemployed, the quieter it gets. I see similar experiences shared on LinkedIn all the time, and I try to tell myself that maybe they’re just not applying to the right jobs, or they aren’t qualified. But deep down, I doubt that’s it. I have no idea what ‘it’ is. I get discouraged and stop applying for a while. When I get the courage to try again, I see the same jobs I’ve applied to still listed—sometimes ‘relisted’—which makes me feel even worse.
I don’t apply for jobs unless I’m sure I could do them. I’ve never subscribed to the “fake it till you make it” philosophy of career development. It’s hard not to believe I have some critical flaw that everyone else can see except me—and that my loved ones and former bosses just don’t want to be the asshole to tell me. Is that a symptom of imposter syndrome?
I see a lot of blithe motivational clichés on LinkedIn, things like, “You’re worth more than a paycheck,” or “If your boss doesn’t appreciate you, it’s okay to quit,” and “Failure is not fatal.” But for me, those sayings make me feel worse, not better. It’s like, “Okay, so we don’t want to hire you for reasons we aren’t willing to share, but hey—you keep hanging in there!”
I’ve wanted to be a scientist most of my life. But I didn’t get started until much later; I didn’t go to college until after my kids were older and in school. I managed to get a bachelor’s degree in physics, then a master’s in materials science and engineering. But then, all the doors slammed shut. I could have forced my way in if I’d had about $50K, but I didn’t. Still, I got to do a lot of science woven into my operations and infrastructure management tasks—and I loved it. I get excited when someone brings me an unknown material to reverse engineer! I had to work a bit harder and put in longer hours to do the work I loved while also handling the grunt work, but it was worth it.
I went from the best job of my life, only to be laid off, and then jumped into one of the two worst jobs of my life. In both cases, it came down to the boss and the team. With a great boss and team, we pulled together to get the job done, and the boss encouraged us to explore solutions that weren’t always obvious. But then, I had a boss who lied to her teams, forced people into narrow definitions of who she wanted them to be, and actively squelched anyone who had a skill she thought should belong to her alone – Which is when it stopped being ‘worth it’.
So I quit. And I’ve been out here in the cold for two years now (sometimes working, sometimes not). The job of my dreams was eliminated so the company could invest in AI. Despite that, I’ve been trying to get back in ever since. I don’t actually resent it—I get it. AI is the future, and any company that wants to thrive 100 years from now needs to invest in it. But damn, how I wish I could be part of that.
I’m at the end of my short career because I’m an older person. I want to work in a scientific environment until I’m dead. I never worked to retire; I worked to be fulfilled and enjoy myself. But now, the jobs open to me aren’t in science and aren’t fulfilling—they’re just placeholders until I can retire without being homeless. I plan to write, I think.
I’ve always struggled with confidence and imposter syndrome. Growing up, I was told that getting a college education would be a waste of time and money for someone like me, and that I should focus on marrying well. Deep down, I always knew that was wrong, but pushing back against that kind of message for your whole life is exhausting. Still, I did it anyway.
I hear that people graduating college today can look forward to a 50-year career, and I’m so jealous because mine appears to be over after 20 years. Funny thing is, I can’t bring myself to stop trying. I take breaks, throw up my hands, and declare that I don’t need this anymore. My poor husband does his best to go with the flow, but I see it wear on him too. If he were in the same position, would I be as patient and supportive? I don’t know—and that’s sad because I should know!
I always thought ambition and the drive to achieve were for young people and that after I passed fifty, it would taper off until I was content with whatever I was doing. But it hasn’t. I’m just as driven, just as ambitious, and just as unsatisfied with anything less than what I want. Having had it for a short time just makes it worse. That job I lost to AI two years ago—it was the dream. For 1.5 years, I experienced contentment. I’ve been grieving ever since.
But I’m out of time. Going this long without keeping all my skills sharp concerns me a great deal. I might have an opportunity to at least have a job where I can do the grunt work I mentioned earlier, but none of the science. It’s funny—I thought I was okay with that until I stumbled on my training materials for EDS while looking for a schematic of chemical limits per floor for a new lab. And it all rushed back to me. I’m back to wishing, grieving, and wondering what to do about it.
So here I am, still navigating the cold, distant, and intractable universe of job hunting. I wish I could stop trying – I guess I’ll have to wait till I’m either unable to move or well, you know, not alive anymore.
Tuesday Kuykendall 